Parents: Are you feeling lonely?

We don't have to tell you because parents already know: the struggle is real.

Huge shifts in identity, sleep deprivation and social pressure all compound on parents. And that can create a sense of loneliness and isolation. We brought together two experts to help navigate the complicated emotions around parenting: Jessica Lawmaster, who heads the Program for Early Parent Support (PEPS) in King and Snohomish counties, and Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, chief of digital innovation at Seattle Children’s Hospital.

Listen to the full interview at the bottom.

Interview Highlights

On becoming a parent

Lawmaster: "There is a lot of overwhelming shift that happens overnight, just simply in our identities. And oftentimes that shift that we experience is completely unanticipated and it’s something that’s very difficult to prepare for – no matter how many books you read.

"There’s sort of an irony about it, too: All of a sudden you’re probably the least alone that you’ve ever been – this tiny baby is with you all the time – yet you feel disconnected from the rest of your world and oftentimes disconnected from yourself."

On feeling insecure around other parents

Swanson: "We’re always trying to figure out where we are on a spectrum, where we fit or where we belong. And I think in a moment of insecurity – like the entire existence of being a parent, the whole thing is an exercise in impostor syndrome!

"None of us, pediatricians alike, don’t exactly know what we’re doing, or feel like we do. So I think it’s natural for us to look at our friends, look at our community.

"I think it’s helpful at times because, if it’s on a social network or if it’s in real life, it does help give us ideas for solutions and tips and a sense of camaraderie that it isn’t easy at times."

On 'holding it together'

Lawmaster: “We’re often expected to be ‘together.’ And we’re conditioned to respond to that expectation in ways that don’t always make it easy for us to appear to be distraught, or suffering or struggling.

"And so I think this is magnified in parenting when many mothers, in particular, feel this pressure to just know what to do or how to do it. And even those who are closest to them – there is this disconnect even in partnered relationships or very close friends and family where there is a sense of shame associated with this feeling of being unequipped or ill prepared.

"And I think that shame keeps us from connecting around that."

On being there for parents

Swanson: “I can’t say enough that those in someone’s life who has recently delivered a child – not just sending a text, it’s showing up at the door, it’s asking how to be useful, it’s not waiting for mom to reach out.

"That that isolation and loneliness and adjustment can sometimes be hard to articulate what you need. So showing up is a huge solution. Persistence.”

Resources our guests mentioned:

• Families of Color Seattle
• Program for Early Parent Support (PEPS)
• Perinatal Support Washington
• Scary Mommy

This interview originally aired October 24, 2018. Produced for the web by Kara McDermott.