The right (and wrong) things to say to a grieving friend

When someone you love loses a person they love, it can be hard to know what to say. You want to show your friend you love and support them, but you also know there really isn't much you can say to heal their pain.

In this situation, the best thing to do is "name the elephant in the room," says Mekel Harris, a psychologist and grief consultant. Although it may feel awkward, don't be afraid to talk to your friend about their loss. "It's not about having the perfect script. It is about acknowledging I'm thinking of you."

If you feel at a loss for words, Harris and Marisa Renee Lee, author of Grief is Love, share dos and don'ts to help you find the right thing to say.

DON'T say "I can't imagine what you're going through."  

Actually, you can, says Harris. "We don't have to stretch to understand there's pain, grief and heartache associated with death." So use your imagination to be with your friend in their grief.

Harris suggests saying: "I can imagine how difficult the journey may be. I just want you to know I'm here for you in whatever way is meaningful for you."

DO say "I don't have the right words." 

It's OK to acknowledge that you don't know what to say, says Harris. Your friend will understand that it's hard to get the words right. It also addresses the loss and shows you're not trying to avoid talking about what happened.

"Avoidance is only comfortable for the person who's avoiding," says Harris. In other words, it may be emotionally easier for you to stay silent about your friend's loss, but it may cause your friend pain.

DON'T say anything that starts with "at least." 

That includes "at least they're in a better place" or "at least they are no longer suffering."

When you start with "at least," you are minimizing your friend's experience and, crucially, imposing a viewpoint that may not ring true. "To the person navigating loss, there is no better place but for the person to be physically here," Harris says.

DO say "no need to respond" 

Lee recommends adding this to any message you send to your grieving friend. Releasing the other person from any pressure or expectation to reply can make it easier for them to feel supported without any obligation or guilt to have to reciprocate.

DON'T use cliches or platitudes. 

Avoid saying phrases like "time heals all wounds," or "everything happens for a reason." They can sound hollow and impersonal, like you're simply checking a box to fulfill your obligation of saying something, says Lee.

Phrases that are focused on healing or moving on are also not helpful to your friend who may want to sit in their grief to process it a little longer.

DO tell them you love them, that it's hard and that you're sorry. 

When in doubt, stick with something specific to your relationship and your connection.

If the person who is grieving is not somebody you have a close relationship with, you can say something like, "I heard that [person who died] passed away and I'm holding you in my thoughts," says Harris. Leading with empathy and staying true to your relationship is the key to not overstepping.

DO walk down memory lane. 

You may not want to talk about the person who has died for fear of making your friend sad. But don't be afraid to share stories you remember about them, even months or years later. It shows you care.

Lee lost her mom over 15 years ago. She appreciates it when friends and family share memories of her, she says. "I am never not thinking about her in some regard." It makes her feel good to know that others are still thinking about her mom too — and she's not forgotten.

DO keep checking in over time.

In the days and weeks after a loss, the grieving person is often getting texts and phone calls, Harris says. "Typically as time goes on, the social support dwindles. To the grieving heart, that can be devastating."

So keep reaching out to your friend, even months after the death. Grief is a long road, and each person grieves at their own pace and in their own way.

We want to hear from you: What do you say to a friend when their loved one has died?

Share your beautiful messages of support and condolences. Email lifekit@npr.org and we may feature your response in our newsletter or on NPR.org.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Beck Harlan.

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