Losing can be transformative — if you do it right

This story was originally published on Feb. 7, 2022, and has been updated.

No one likes to be dubbed a loser. But failure is "an experience that is as universal as it gets," says author and sports journalist Sam Weinman. And since you can't always avoid an "L" on your forehead, it's important to learn to lose well.

That starts by understanding you're allowed to be emotional after a loss. But you can't let those emotions get the better of you or keep you from moving forward.

The best losers are the ones "who are able to recognize that loss is just one step in a process," says Weinman, author of Win at Losing: How Our Biggest Setbacks Can Lead to Our Greatest Gains. "But it doesn't need to be the last step."

Here's how to transform failure into an opportunity — and walk away a winner even in the face of defeat.

Allow yourself to be disappointed

When you're a kid, that reaction to losing is easy and instantaneous. Maybe it's bursting into tears or running to mom, knocking over the board game or all three at once.

As adults, we learn these options are no longer socially acceptable. But that doesn't mean we don't still feel sad or angry, or don't have the need to release those strong feelings.

It's normal to be disappointed and it's important to process those feelings, says Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist. You just have to do so in a healthy way.

Give yourself some grace

Gooden suggests practicing the three core components of self-compassion:

"All of those things can help soothe you in the moment, which allows you to manage the emotion," says Gooden.

Don't be a sore loser

One of the telltale signs of a sore loser is someone who isn't willing to take ownership of their mistakes, says Weinman. "When things go poorly, their first instinct is to look outward and not at themselves."

Or perhaps your approach to losing is to take that scorn inward. Of course you blew it! Idiot!

It's easy to turn overly self-critical when you feel you've underperformed, says Gooden. "We start beating ourselves up and that just makes it worse."

Instead of perseverating on the blunders, channel that energy toward doing improving your situation in the future.

Get a grip on reality

You missed the game-winning penalty kick, you tripped two feet before the finish line — yikes! It's understandable to be self-conscious or embarrassed after a loss, says Gooden. But don't let your ego warp your reality.

Build an honest picture of the reasons for your loss. Recount what happened. Identify the factors that were and weren't outside your control. Did you have all the right equipment? Did you know you were starting the day in a bad headspace? Then create a game plan on how to avoid those mistakes the next time around.

"When you lose and you're able to look at it from a very clear-eyed perspective, you're able to learn a lot about what you could have done better," says Weinman.

Train your 'losing muscle'

Expose yourself to small losses. It'll train you how to handle rejection without getting so hurt, says author and entrepreneur Jia Jiang.

Jiang learned this firsthand. In 100 days, he committed to getting rejected every day in a different way to see what he would glean from it. He asked strangers for money, asked people if he could plant flowers in their yard, asked pet shops for hair cuts, and universities if he could teach classes.

The project, which he dubbed 100 Days of Rejection, taught him that "people want to say 'yes' to you. They want you to succeed. The world is a lot more accepting and kind than I thought," he says.

The podcast portion of this story was produced by Audrey Nguyen.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.