'Adolescence' is a parental nightmare. Here's what to tell kids about online extremism

This story was originally published on June 28, 2022, and has been updated. It contains spoilers for the TV show Adolescence.

When the British drama Adolescence dropped on Netflix in March, the reaction from the parents in my group chats was seismic. Some worried about their own teen sons, and others, their ability to monitor their kids' online activity.

The four-episode series follows Jamie, a baby-faced 13-year-old boy arrested for the murder of a female classmate. Viewers observe early that Jamie is guilty, having slid into the online quicksand of the "manosphere," a catchall phrase for a network of online communities populated by the aggressive misogynists we sometimes call incels. Peddling a deep sexism and a belief that men are treated unfairly by society, these groups, made up of influencers like Andrew Tate, at their worst promote violence and celebrate mass murder.

In the series, Jamie's well-meaning family is blown apart by the revelations, and it's clear they were unaware of the degree to which social media, internet culture and toxic masculinity influenced their son.

Their struggle between fear and guilt lies at the heart of parenting in 2025. How do we protect our children from radicalization in the opaque online spaces of "men's rights" activists and incels? How do we fight the active recruitment of young white males through video gaming, social media and smartphones? And how on earth do we explain to our boys what's at stake without pushing them away?

These concerns are not new. But as a mom of two boys, ages 11 and 14, it's a valuable opportunity to chat with them, and I'm relieved it's the result of a fictional TV series instead of an act of violence or domestic terrorism.

In 2022, I interviewed Christine Saxman, a consultant who talks to parents and teachers about radicalization among young people. The conversation followed a wave of anxiety after a rash of mass shootings by young men in Buffalo, N.Y., and El Paso, Texas, when my boys were in middle school.

I called Saxman recently to ask about what she'd been hearing from parents who'd watched the show. "Well, I think for the parent community, it's the fear. Just the overwhelming fear of 'oh my gosh, how am I supposed to know and keep up with all of what young people are using online?' And I think the thing I always share is you can't know everything."

Saxman told me her advice from our previous interview held up, and reiterated the central message of communicating constantly and calmly with your kids about what they are seeing and experiencing online. And, she said, give yourself a bit of a break.

"Take a deep breath," she says, "and just know that it's always evolving. You don't have to know everything they're doing. Just build the trust by having a conversation early."

Here are some of Saxman's top tips from our Life Kit 2022 interview.

Learn the signs of radicalization

It's really important to know when your kid might be falling down the rabbit hole. What are the signs you should be aware of?

Saxman told me to really keep an eye out for the kinds of jokes your kids are reacting to and making. Be particularly aware if they are beginning to engage with humor that dehumanizes others, in particular gay, transphobic and sexist jokes. Disguised as humor, it gives people with racist agendas plausible deniability, because it's "just" a joke.

"Joking around LGBT issues," Saxman says, "... is a very common entry point for many different conspiracy theories. So the jokes get worse and worse, and then the content gets worse and worse ... almost like a Venn diagram, if you can imagine — the ways in which they can use each of these different levers to pull you in. Because once they've normalized this kind of dialogue that it's OK to dehumanize gay people, it's OK to dehumanize women, that we believe that there's this Jewish cabal running things, that's the stepping stone to go deeper and deeper."

She also recommended having some idea of the shape this kind of seduction can take. Western States Center, an advocacy group that tracks extremism in Oregon and the West, has a comprehensive toolkit that can help you identify the different stages radicalization can take, like, sharing jokes and memes to be "edgy," or even asserting conspiratorial beliefs in daily life.

Help your kids understand their own power

They have to learn to ask the right questions, not just of the content they see, but of their friends. What helps, especially with older children, is encouraging them to recognize and develop their own agency.

Saxman suggests supportive phrases like, "I believe you're a critical thinker." Or "I know you like to ask questions." Then, she says, you're "co-creating and learning about things together."

Building up my older son's belief in his own judgment has been a game changer for me — and he's been much more open about the iffy things he runs into on the web. Balancing trust with a healthy dose of skepticism is hard, but it has paid off in the short time I've been emphasizing it, and we've been talking a lot more.

Don't overreact! You need to keep that relationship open

I ... am reactive. I love to react. But Saxman made the point that when you blow up in fear about something, teenagers are less likely to seek you out when they really need you. So I've started training myself to chill out and bring up issues from a place of curiosity rather than fear. There's that balance again – it's really scary out there, but I don't want to make the kids think they're up against something that's impossible to overcome.

As far as expressing my own fears about how they might get sucked in, I found that watching the 2020 documentary The Social Dilemma with them was really helpful. It's not a perfect film (it is a tech-bro apology tour at its heart), but it explains how white boys in particular are targeted by algorithms, and emphasizes the importance of making their own choices about what to watch on Instagram and YouTube, not just taking the video that is served up to them next.

Communicate frequently with other parents

This can be awkward. But you have to do it! Not every family has the same rules around screens and online content, especially those with multiple ages in the house. For instance, if your kid has a friend with unfettered YouTube access, and they're watching it every time they go over to their buddy's house, it's important for you to know that, and to know how the parents are communicating about it.

It might mean you have to reconcile different views about what's appropriate. But these are important conversations, Saxman says, so be open to learning more about why one parent's rules may differ from another. "Just be curious," she says. Ask questions about how they came to that decision, and what it means for their own relationship with their child.

The more you talk about what other parents are seeing and talking about in their own house, the more you know about what your own kid is exposed to — and what they are reading, watching and playing. (And you'll get good tips if you can build those relationships! I learned about The Social Dilemma as a teaching tool from another parent.)

Most of all, BE CURIOUS

Hey kids – What are you doing on TikTok? What's good? What's funny? Here's someone I like! Oh, you think I'm old? OK, well who do you like? Who's your favorite YouTuber? What kind of stuff do you see? What makes you laugh?

Normalize your interest in their online life. Play Mario Kart! Make them build you a house in Minecraft. Curiosity builds relationships.

I'll leave you with this. When I asked Saxman if there was anything in her work that gave her hope, here's what she said: "They do self-monitor. They monitor each other. I believe in them. And so I want to create a container to continue to support that. And that's what I want to ask from other adults."

One last thing ...

I want to emphasize that this Life Kit episode is mostly about prevention, and that all of this means nothing if you aren't raising kids who are fluent in the language of racism and antiracism.

Here are a few resources:

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Michelle Aslam. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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