A Killer Time With Listeners And Sam Irby

This week on Text Me Back!, mostly-optimistic hosts Lindy West and Meagan Hatcher-Mays allow themselves exactly four minutes of time total to hate on U.S. Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) and cream cheese frosting. Then, bestselling author and beloved TV writer Samantha Irby enters the chat to explain how she got Miranda to beat up The Killer on an episode of And Just Like That. And, Lindy and Meagan get too scared to shower after reading some listeners' real-life close calls with The Killer!

You may have a different name for The Killer. Maybe you know him as Creepy Guy, The Guy, The Stalker, Stranger Danger, or something else entirely. TV host Wendy Williams came up with the moniker "The Killer.'" She says, “I’ve known about The Killer since I was born.”

Meagan and Lindy get that. As Meagan said in a recent episode of Text Me Back!, “Every person who, you know, exists — women, marginalized people — all of us are aware of The Killer at any time.”

Many Text Me Back! listeners have had their own encounters with The Killer. To quote another abundant source of fear for women and marginalized people, these are their stories.

The Capitol Hill Window-Knocking Killer

I have a quintessential Seattle killer story, which is that during the very early 2000s, meaning 2003 and earlier, there was a man who would hang around Capitol Hill. He would walk up to your car while you were stopped at a red light and knock on the driver's window and say that his car broke down. This probably happened to me and my friends about 30 times on different days and locations. Boy, that dude had a lot of car trouble. We were deathly afraid of this person and we named him "THE guy" so there's nothing funny about THE guy he was a very scary, likely deranged individual who was definitely trying to get our young adult asses to a secondary location.

One day, my sister and I were sitting in the back seat of our parents' car. We explained, "There's this guy and we called him THE guy and he knocks on our window and tries to get us to help him out. My dad — who has never heard of being cautious — said to us, "Don't call him THE guy, ask him his name. My mom — who is afraid of most things — literally lost her mind at my kooky dad.

The Fugitive Killer

My first thought was that I'm not often bothered by The Killer. That said, the short time I lived in Vallejo, CA was scary. One morning, when I was home alone with my infant son, I heard noise out front, so I looked out the window and saw a whole squad of cops with shotguns standing there staring at my house. One came to the door when they saw me and said they were on the hunt for an armed suspect who'd assaulted and robbed people in a nearby home, and they wanted to check my backyard. They found shoe prints and part of my back fence knocked over, like it had collapsed when someone climbed it. While I kept the doors locked always, my backyard door was very old and mostly thin glass that would shatter easily, and I never felt safe from The Killer in that house after that. It was over 10 years ago, and I still shower with the bathroom door locked, just in case The Killer gets in the house when I can't hear them.

The Hiking Trail Killer

I was hiking up Tiger Mountain late in the day all by myself. I round a corner and see a guy just casually leaning against a tree with his hands in his pockets in the middle of nowhere. He's not dressed for hiking — hoody, jeans, white sneakers. As I approach, he asks me if I know when they lock the gates at the Highpoint Trailhead down below. Me, being a helpful, trail ambassador sort, start to answer, and then I notice he is ever-so-slowly, as if to keep me from noticing, taking his hands out of his pockets. It was the creepiest movement I've ever seen. All the hair on my body stands up and I RUN past him while shouting over my shoulder, "I don't know!" (Even though in my mind I am being defensive, I couldn't shake my nice girl training long enough to not give him an answer at all.)

I huff it up Tiger, all the while freaked that I'm going to have to come back down the same trail — it's getting dark and I'm worried I'll get lost if I take another route. I text my loved ones where I am before I head back down. Sure enough, he's still there, now leaning against a different tree. I'm running down at this point, so I think I will pass him so fast he won't try anything, but I am petrified. And just then, Lindy and Meagan, I am saved because there is another male hiker coming up the trail at this late hour. I will not die today, I think. I make eye contact with the leaning man as I pass and he gives me a frustrated look that says, "You got lucky this time b****."

Let me tell you, I flew down that mountain.

The Pleather Jacket Killer & The Coworker Killer

I have at least two.

One time, a guy in a pleather jacket tried to get my friend and I (13) to go out to his van when we were at a weird mall in MA. My friend kept saying we needed to go walk around to shake him but I was like, "WE DO NOT MOVE FROM THIS SPOT UNTIL MY MOM GETS HERE." He claimed to be "security'" for the soap stars that were going to be at the mall that day. He definitely planned to murder us and I always wonder who else he murdered after.

The other is present time: unreasonably nice engineer I work with who maintains the most meticulous records you have ever seen, looks 20 years younger than his actual age, has dead eyes, and CANNOT be riled. He ABSOLUTELY has a storage unit full to the brim with human remains and some kind of spreadsheet with details for every last one.

The Mind-Reading Killer

Once due to travel mishaps/pure idiocy on my part, my friend and I had to spend the night in the Berlin airport. We slept on the floor in shifts so one of us could guard our stuff because there were strange folk about. At 3 a.m. I was watching "The Shining" (why) while my friend snored away next to me, and a random ass man came up to us and told me that he could tell from my aura that I was a "golden person" and he thought we were married in a past life. Then he asked me to think of a number between 1 and 100 AND HE F***ING KNEW WHICH NUMBER I THOUGHT OF. This was ten years ago and it still bothers me.

The Pest Control Killer

When I was little (8?), growing up in Chula Vista (south of San Diego), my two younger brothers (6 and 4) and I were at home, being babysat by my cousin (probably 16 at the time). The doorbell rang and we, being kids, all rushed to the door. We grew up in a neighborhood full of other kids, so it was common for us to always be at each other's houses. But when we got there it was a pest control guy.

My cousin opened the door and he told her that he was there for a routine appointment and was gonna just come in and check around the house, and then the backyard as my parents had called about. My cousin told him she had not been informed of any appointment and was just going to call my mom real fast to check. The guy told her, "Oh no need" and then grabbed the handle to the door. It was locked and he tugged on the handle a couple of times in an urgent manner. My cousin immediately ran to call my mom...the man ran off after that and we never saw him again.

Got a question or accolades for Lindy and Meagan? Join the TMB Text Club! Text BFF to 206-926-9955. Or email us at textmeback@kuow.org. You can also follow the podcast on Instagram and TikTok @textmebackpod. And for even more bestie connections follow Lindy and Meagan on Instagram at @thelindywest and @importantmeagan!

TEXT ME BACK! is a production of KUOW in Seattle, a proud member of the NPR Network. Our editor is Jeannie Yandel. Our senior producer is Brandi Fullwood. Our mixer is Jason Burrows.