Lindy West’s Valentine’s Day sex granola recipe

I am the designated granola maker in my house. This is my most important job, and I say that as a MOTHER. Every few weeks I take all the orphaned dry goods in the pantry—the last handful of roasted peanuts, the dregs of a bag of coconut, half a cup of chia seeds in an old shoe—and toss them into a big metal bowl with a few cups of oats (three? four??????). Then I make a slurry of whatever orphaned WET goods are in the pantry—one inch of crystallized honey at the bottom of the squirty bear, the last tablespoon of 20-year-old vanilla extract, coconut oil a week from going rancid—and mix it and pour it over the dry stuff. You toss it all together and then you spread it on a piece of parchment paper on a sheet pan and you put it in the oven at 350 for 10 minutes and then you stir it and put it back for another 10 minutes and then sprinkle whatever dried fruit you have all over it and let it cool in the pan and then WOW! That’s granola, baby!

Yesterday I saw a bag of granola at the store that cost EIGHTEEN DOLLARS. Do you know how much 50 pounds of plain oats cost? The grocery store pays YOU to take the oats away!!!!!!

My granola is ALWAYS good and ALWAYS even better than the last time I made it. Granola is a practice and I am a lifelong learner. But yesterday? Yesterday I made a granola so good that when you taste it you will have no choice but to get a divorce so you can marry it instead! This is my Valentine to you. A divorce. (It costs $10,000 but it’s still cheaper than store-bought granola!)

VALENTINE’S DAY SEX GRANOLA

By Lindy West

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a big bowl, combine:

4 cups rolled oats

1 cup chopped pecans

1 cup shredded coconut

(Feel free to add whatever you have around! Sunflower seeds, flax seeds, chia seeds, mixed nuts, whatever! Just don’t add dried fruit until after baking because it will burn in the oven. You don’t even have to use oats! You can use all nuts and seeds if you want! I don’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!)

In a medium microwaveable bowl, combine:

1 cup coconut oil (or butter or any oil, whatever!)

1/2 cup agave

1/4 cup honey

1/4 cup maple syrup

1/4 cup brown sugar

(Note: There is absolutely no reason to use this deranged number of different sweeteners—I just needed to get rid of a bunch of almost-empty containers! You can use whatever kind of sugar you have/like! Obviously honey and maple have a good flavor.)

1 tsp cinnamon

1 Tbsp vanilla

1 tsp salt

oh also the zest of one orange! very important!

SECRET INGREDIENTS—HERE’S WHERE WE’RE REALLY TAKING IT UP A NOTCH:

1 tsp MSG!!!!!!!

1 Tbsp white miso!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The whole point of granola is NOT taking a special trip to the store, so don’t go to the store if you don’t have MSG and miso. But if you do have them, this is the part of the recipe that turns your granola-with-benefits into I Love My Crunchy Wife material.

Microwave it all together until the coconut oil melts and then whisk whisk whisk until it’s emulsified. Taste it until it tastes good! It’s okay if it’s intense—remember that it’s going to get spread all amongst 4 billion little oat flakes. (Salad dressings and marinades should always taste a little more intense than you want food to taste!)

I didn’t measure any of this—I’m just guessing about the amounts, so, sorry if it’s fucked up. But you can’t really fuck it up unless it’s too dry or you burn it: The only thing that matters is that you make a liquid that’s a combination of sugar and oil and you have enough of the liquid to get your dry stuff totally moist. Then you dry it out in the oven until it is crispy and brown. This is basic granola theory.

Press the granola mix down into your sheet pan into one big cookie. Bake it for 10 minutes and then stir it up and press it down again. I already said this above! Why am I saying it again???? Basically watch it closely and bake it until it is brown. For me, that’s about 20 minutes. Let it cool in the pan COMPLETELY if you want big chunks.

While the granola is baking, find whatever dirty old raisins and prunes you have in the back of the cupboard. I had prunes and currants. I like to chop the prunes up small and then roll them around in sugar with some more orange zest. When the granola is hot out of the oven, sprinkle them on top! They should adhere and if they don’t who cares!

Enjoy my granola! I was also going to tell you about the two really cute mini-episodes of Text Me Back we released this week and last week, including bonus LOTR material and the ORIGINAL theme song from the vault (sung by me!?!!?!!), but I spilled tea on my laptop and now the trackpad doesn’t work and my book is due and I might have a nervous breakdown! I typed this on my phone! I love you!

This recipe was first published on Lindy West's "Butt News" substack, which you can subscribe to. Lindy co-hosts the equally hilarious Text Me Back podcast with her BFF Meagan Hatcher-Mays.