A desk won't protect us from nuclear fallout, so might as well laugh

Comedians Hari Kondabolu and Dwayne Kennedy chat with KUOW's Bill Radke on the threat from North Korea, performing in front of conservative audiences and what threat Hillary Clinton would have posed to the world.

On advising Trump

BILL: If you could advise Trump on one thing, what would you tell him?

DWAYNE: I would say stop being president. Get out of office and let a more subdued maniac take over.

BILL: Who would you prefer?

DWAYNE: I mean if the choice was Trump or Hillary — if those were the choices — then I would have preferred Hillary. I think she would be a more statesman-like threat to the world.

On playing red state clubs

DWAYNE: I challenge them until they stop laughing and then it's on with the banjo jokes.

But generally, man, you can say anything you want to say to people – it’s just in the rendering.

At this point for me, and I tell people this, it's not even politics. Because Donald Trump is such an extreme case. I say, he's just a lunatic. And even people who voted for him think, oh yeah, this cat's a lunatic, and they laugh because they know it's true.

HARI: I have a few more problems.

I have really strong opinions that express themselves on stage. It's very clear how I feel, but I think the goal is for me to find some common ground with the audience, even if there's some disagreement.

DWAYNE: Speaking of which, I did a show in St. Charles, Illinois. Illinois was blue but not everybody in Illinois is blue. And I was doing jokes about Trump — and I didn't realize this because sometimes from the stage you can't see everybody in the audience — and they had to escort people out.

They told me after the show that these two women escorted out gave me the Nazi salute on the way out. And then there were some people out there — I think 12 people demanding their money back. People were out in the lobby crying.

So mission accomplished is my point.

On nuclear threat from North Korea

BILL: We've been told that Seattle would be a juicy target. Big population, lots of military bases.

HARI: Would Portland get hit too? Because then it’s worth it, Bill. As long as we’re not in it by ourselves, and there’s some good that comes from it, then I’m all about it.

BILL: Dwayne, do you remember the Cold War?

DWAYNE: Yes, it was really chilly.

BILL: Yeah it was. Does it feel like the 80s to you?

DWAYNE: This feels like a hot cold war. This seems like more of an imminent threat. You've got two goofballs who could blow up the world. But I think Kim Jong is trying to — I don't know what he's trying to do. What's the point, Bill? Why all the bluster?

Why Guam? What did they do?

BILL: Apparently he wants to rain missiles around Guam.

DWAYNE: So some practice annihilation.

HARI: When the Cold War was happening, I was 6 or 7 at the time, and I remember we had shelter drills where they would have us hide under our desks or go into the hall away from glass. And even at 6 or 7, I realized that was a worthless activity other than missing a few minutes of class. You knew we were going to die. So I’m glad that we’re not going into that fake, like, oh-let’s-try-to-protect-ourselves-by hiding-under-our-desks business.

However, I don’t like our current tactic of egging on the maniac with the nuclear weapons. I’m not sure if that’s the best approach to this.

DWAYNE: ‘We will rain down fire and fury.’ What are you talking about?

HARI: Does he have a spaceship to Mars ready to go? Does he plan to leave before all of this happens? He does realize that we’re all in trouble – it’s not just Guam and Seattle. Like, the whole world is in trouble.

BILL: Did you know that it’s against the law for Washington state to have a nuclear attack evacuation plan?

It was decades ago; some lawmaker decided that it would send the wrong message. We would be planning for nuclear war. And so we still don’t have a plan, really. But as you’re saying, Hari, some plans are fraudulent anyway.

HARI: Regardless of what’s on paper, the plan is going to be screaming, yelling, praying and all sorts of other things and various activities because it’s almost over. I don’t think there’s much you can do with nuclear war. Am I wrong, or is there a nuclear bomb shelter? Is there a way to survive?

DWAYNE: Under the desk, brother. Duck and cover.

BILL: FEMA has a nuclear blast fact sheet. It says, first of all, ‘Stay underground if possible.’

They did say have a desk if possible.

It also says, ‘Do not look at the flash or fireball. It can blind you.’