How an Indigenous author harnessed her pain to make something 'exquisite.' KUOW Book Club

This is KUOW's book club, and we’re wrapping up Terese Marie Mailhot's memoir "Heart Berries" I'm your club guide Katie Campbell.

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erese Marie Mailhot may be the most authentic writer I've ever come across. Authenticity and honesty are to be expected from a memoir, of course, but with "Heart Berries" she set a high bar.

Mailhot is a First Nation Canadian author from Seabird Island Band in British Columbia, Canada, and she explores generational trauma in this raw recounting of her life.

"Look at my struggle: Growing up on a reserve and seeing my mother mistreated, and her own mother was put into residential school," she said as we sat down for an intimate interview over Zoom — not an ideal setting to talk about such personal things, let me tell you. "There's so much pain in our history."

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Mental illness is not merely a theme but a force of nature that Mailhot seems to grapple with in real time with each page. The tension readers may feel as they read was intentional. She said writing about postpartum depression, for instance, was important to her as an Indigenous author, as was describing her fight for custody over her first son while she was pregnant with her second.

"That trauma, that experience of having to go to provincial and supreme court and then the Hague Convention to defend my rights as a mother and to feel totally burdened by my lack of wealth and lack of representation, that was really hard for me," she said.

"But it felt super necessary, because if I didn't write about it, I don't think people would know that Native women experience this, and that it affects us so profoundly — intellectually, psychologically, and daily."

But as Mailhot described in the book, her pain also yielded "exquisite" work. Through that pain, she continued her family's legacy of telling stories and expressing themselves through art.

In Mailhot's case, her ability to write powerful verses even while she was hospitalized was more than therapeutic — it was life-affirming.

"I wanted to have some exquisite line level work to show my intellect, and that even as I was losing my mind, it was still rendering beautiful things. That makes me feel worthwhile," she said. "So, in the hospital, it was kind of like do or die, you know? If I could write something beautiful and impart my story and read it back to myself and see quality, then not all was lost and my mind could be saved."

As readers will know, though, Mailhot's ability to be "saved" was not just about making peace with herself, but it was also about others' ability to see and accept her, a seemingly tall order when she sought help in predominantly white spaces and in her white partner, Casey.

Listen to the full interview with Terese Marie Mailhot by clicking the play button at the top of the page.

M

ailhot described Casey as the "culprit of my pain." Yet he was also the object of her desire and deep love. Much like Mailhot's mother, Casey represented a lot of good and bad in her story.

At the time Mailhot was hospitalized with suicidal ideation, she and Casey were not yet married. Later, with a son together, they were, though Mailhot said they divorced about two years ago. They were perfect for each for a time, she said, and "Heart Berries" helped bridge the gaps she explored throughout the book.

"It carried our marriage for like seven years," she said. "He was a very well-intended white man who grew up Midwestern. So for him, someone losing their mind, it was a point of shame. He really didn't understand why I couldn't control myself or just limit my expression and be normal — quote, unquote, normal. And I desperately wanted to be that for him. So, 'Heart Berries' was a lot about, like, why can't I be compliant? Why can't I be good? Why can't I be normal? And then getting angry about the question."

There is a good deal of anger on these pages: anger at Casey for not understanding her; anger at the white women in his life who constantly remind her that she is not delicate like them; anger at her father for the abuse he inflicted on her and her family; and anger at the lengths she must go to to defend the validity of her work as an Indigenous woman.

Toward the end of the book, Mailhot recalls something another Native write said about her after reading her work:

It's not just that building her "weight as a writer" is difficult because she's an Indigenous woman, she said. It's that being anything would be difficult because she's an Indigenous woman.

"I think that's what the quote is speaking to," she said. "When you're smart and you're a Native woman and you can think kind of objectively about your position in the world and how you're treated, it's enough to make you feel crazy."

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That feeling can be enough to lead anyone down a dark path.

And while so much of "Heart Berries" is for Indigenous women, Mailhot had a message for all survivors of trauma: "Life is worthwhile."

"Even though we're struggling, I would rather have us in this world," she said, not just to me but to everyone who resonated with her story. "There is nothing too ugly for this world, and even if you're mostly fault, I still find you exquisite."

I hope you enjoyed "Heart Berries." Subscribe to the book club newsletter here, and come back on July 1 to find out what we'll be reading next.

Listen to the full interview with Terese Marie Mailhot by clicking the play button at the top of the page.